‘Ask The Dream Detective’ – from Mimi’s Dream Column for the New Spirit Journal

A 37-year-old woman had the following dream:

“I had a dream that Ryan Gosling (I have the hots for him) and I went to see one of his films together. I think it was directed by Quentin Tarantino. It didn’t get very good reviews.”

Sometimes people say they don’t remember much of a dream, and therefore it must not be worth interpreting. This is so not true!  Even a fragment of a dream can hold jewels of information. And while this dream is relatively short in recounting, there is a lot to it. The story starts off very promising with the dreamer seemingly on a date with her celebrity crush. However, when we delved into it, the deeper meaning revealed itself to offer some sound relationship guidance.

The dreamer described actor Ryan Gosling as someone she had a big crush on. She found him incredibly attractive and he embodied a lot of traits she thought she was looking for. We searched for a parallel feeling in her waking life, and sure enough she had been dating a guy who at first seemed like her dream man. And just like with Ryan Gosling, she was quite smitten with him when they started dating.

We then explored the setting of the dream: here she was with a person, watching a big screen, featuring that same person! This caused the dreamer to reflect “it seems like it’s all about him!” At this point she had a ‘click’ as she connected another similarity to the man she was currently dating. Though she started off with stars in her eyes for this man, she slowly started to realize that he was behaving rather selfishly, especially when it came to his time and how much (a.k.a. how little!) he was willing to spend with her. He would also make comments such as that he didn’t want her to be needy regarding his time for her, yet when he left town for a business trip and neglected to contact her, he said that he felt like he had abandoned her. Which he did! Making comments that he didn’t want her to act needy was a bit of a manipulative ploy, an attempt to deflect her from placing any requests upon him or even from expressing any wish she might have for quality time together. Unfortunately, she bought into it by quelling her feelings and her instinct to communicate her desires with him.

The dreamer had another awareness; her boyfriend from the previous year also displayed selfish behavior, to the point that it caused her to break up with him. The dream not only showed her the current relationship dynamic, but a long-standing relationship pattern. The dreamer reached some insights about her accommodating nature, and how she often did not speak up and get her needs met in relationships. This kept her in unbalanced relationships longer than necessary, but the message was finally getting through and this dream was one way in which the message was delivered.

We also looked at the part of the dream where she states that the movie “didn’t get very good reviews”. I asked what she thought of Quentin Tarantino, or his work in general, and she said she was not a fan and thought he was a bit immature. Once she realized her current love interest’s selfish and immature nature, she did not give the relationship very good reviews either – despite the initial attraction! It’s funny that we use the word ‘attraction’ to describe movies as well as our feelings toward love interests.

Finally, the dreamer described Ryan Gosling in waking life as “somewhat unobtainable”. She realized that though she had been dating the current man for several months, he was showing himself to be emotionally unavailable, a.k.a. ‘unobtainable’ for a long term committed relationship.

While the bursting of any relationship bubble can be disappointing to say the least, it is by pulling back the curtain of illusion and being willing to face the truth that we can reach authentic levels of relating. This can also save us from immeasurable and ongoing emotional pain. And while it’s easy to blame another person, as in ‘he’s not available’, it is most valuable to look at our own part in the relationship dynamic. In this case the dreamer had the wonderful insight that while she thought she was being nice by behaving in an accommodating way towards her partners, she realized that she was actually depriving herself of expressing her truths, and in the process denying her partner the chance to get to know her authentic self.

Having awareness of our relationship patterns is the first step in transforming their energies. Owning our part in the dance allows us to take our power back and focus on the only side of things we have any dominion over, which is our own. Changing our patterns allows us to transform our own energies and make room for more balanced relationships, not only with other people, but within ourselves. Our dreams are always a reliable compass in this process.

People often wonder when they dream of being romantic with someone, does it mean it will really happen? Whether it is an ex, a co-worker, or someone they have a crush on, this question can be very perplexing. The more intense or vivid the dream, the more it bothers us. It can also make us feel very awkward next time we see the person from our dream, even though they have no idea about it!

Kissing and sexual intimacy in dreams are symbols of connection and passion. So we look at who the dreamer is connecting with and what qualities that person represents to them. Then the dreamer can contemplate whether they currently are, or would like to be, connecting with those traits within themselves or in their life.

Sometimes these dreams can be about rehearsing what it’s like to be physically intimate with someone, and especially young adults will experience this before their first kiss. Whether or not it will happen with the person they dreamed about is not necessarily determined by the dream. However there are many documented cases of someone dreaming about their future partner before they actually meet them. This is not the most common thing, but it has happened many times, and I wonder if more people remembered their dreams perhaps we would hear even more cases reported.

Sometimes we dream of making out with someone we would never consider as a partner (casual or long-term) in waking life. We may even find them the complete opposite of attractive! At least on the surface. Whether the person is someone you know, a celebrity, or something in between, look at what that person represents to you and how you might be connecting with those traits (the ones you like) within yourself.

Many romantic dreams have nothing at all to do with actual romance. In that case look at what the dream has to say about your other passions in life such as your creativity or life purpose. Other dreams that do not contain elements of romance with another might actually have profound and meaningful insights about our relationships. The dreaming mind wants us to be happy and fulfilled, to live our purpose, and to love deeply. Listening to their messages can enhance both our quality of life and our relationships with our selves and with others.