‘Ask The Dream Detective’ – from Mimi’s Dream Column for the New Spirit Journal

A 16-year old girl had the following dream:

“This is the second time I’ve seen an incubus in my dream. The first time the incubus sat on my chest and I tried to scream, but my sister didn’t hear me. In the recent dream, I’m having a sleep over with my two best friends in my room, but then suddenly I’m in my sister’s bedroom, and my bed is randomly placed in the middle of her room. My sister is asleep. Unexpectedly I say ‘Come on, you can’t have me, incubus!’ Then I feel this pressure on my chest, it is so intense it is painful. I try to call out to my sister for help but no one can hear me. I want to get away but I can’t move! I try to look and see the incubus; there is a light behind it and I can see through the sheet of my bed like it was transparent. I could feel that it was a male that was pressing down on me. I was really scared. I think about looking at the incubus not through the sheet but moving my head to the side so I could see it, but then I don’t think I want to see it. I was trying to escape and talk until I woke up but no sound was coming out and I could not move. Finally, I woke up terrified.”

This dream is a classic example of a sleep paralysis attack. During R.E.M. sleep the major muscles of the body become paralyzed so that we do not act out our dreams and harm ourselves or others. We are still able to breathe and move our eyes (thus the term ‘rapid eye movement’ which happens as we actually watch our dreams!), and most of the time we are never aware that our body is paralyzed. However, in some instances there can be a little glitch in the system where the mind becomes conscious before the paralysis lifts from the body. When we try to move as we normally would upon waking, we find that we cannot. This is a very scary situation to find one’s self in. And for some, it gets scarier….

All over the world throughout history, in every culture known to man, there is another phenomenon that can accompany sleep paralysis, coined by Penn State University Professor David Hufford as ‘sleep paralysis attacks’, referring to a ‘visitor’ in the form of some sort of energy usually experienced as having negative intentions. Not everyone who experiences sleep paralysis also experiences the ‘attack’ part, but those who do will never forget it. In a sleep paralysis attack, the person realizes they are physically paralyzed and they also experience this visitation from a figure, entity, stranger, energy, or whatever you want to call it. This figure sometimes appears in a black hooded cloak like what we associate with the classic image of the Grim Reaper. Others experience something known as ‘the Old Hag’, which interestingly enough looks like what we would stereotype as the classic Halloween Witch. For others, the figure may appear as a black silhouette or shadow, or they may not be able to see it at all. It can take many different forms, usually menacing; sometimes even devils, demons, or aliens. It is even speculated that alien abduction reports may actually be cases of sleep paralysis attacks (which is a whole other topic for another exploration). In sleep paralysis, the visitation is often accompanied by a sensation of pressure pushing down on one’s chest, impeding the ability to breathe, as if the entity is crushing the person. It is believed that Fuseli’s painting ‘The Nightmare’ which pictures a demon sitting on a woman’s chest as she lies in bed, is very likely a depiction of a sleep paralysis attack.

In the above dream example, the dreamer refers to the figure as an incubus (she also referred to him as the Devil when I asked her to give the dream a title). Ryan Hurd, author of ‘Sleep Paralysis’, defines the visiting entity as an incubus as soon as physical contact is made with the dreamer. whether or not the contact is actually sexual in nature (thought there is often the feeling of that intent coming from the visitor). The physical contact can range from sitting on the bed or sitting on the person, to pressure on the chest inhibiting breathing as described above, to sexual touching or full on intercourse. Traditionally an incubus is thought of as a male entity that has sexual contact with women, and a succubus is a female entity who has sexual contact with men. I’m not sure if they swing both ways, but I don’t see why they wouldn’t. Some say they are shapeshifters who can change gender, so an incubus and a succubus are one in the same and just able to switch on command (again, a topic for another article – an interesting one at that).

About 40% of the population will experience sleep paralysis at some point in life, and for many it will occur only once or a handful of times. Factors such as having our sleep cycle disrupted by working odd hours, periods of intense stress, even certain medications can be triggers. Often just regaining balance in life will help them go away or they will resolve by themselves. About 15% of those affected will actually experience a sleep paralysis attack, or visitation. Many have the paralysis without a visitor.

If you experience sleep paralysis and the problem becomes ongoing, seek help from a sleep specialist or read the books about it by authors Ryan Hurd or David Hufford. Ryan Hurd also provides examples for how to deal with the experience on both practical and spiritual levels as he has experienced ongoing episodes himself. I hope this Halloween season finds you safe and sound with happy dreams, and if you have any apparitions or visitations may they be from warm fuzzy bunnies and puppies and kittens. Unless, of course, you’re into succubii or incubi. Whatever floats your boat!

‘Ask The Dream Detective’ – from Mimi’s Dream Column for the New Spirit Journal

A 57 year old woman had the following dream:

“My boyfriend’s soon to be ex-wife was running after me with a machine gun. I could hear the bullets whizzing by me and I was so scared. I thought to myself ‘I have to zig zag’, as if I’d heard somewhere that this was a good way to avoid getting shot. Then I ran into a hospital to get safety. I was trying to catch my breath but I knew she was still after me. I went into a patient’s private room, and I got into bed with the patient. I said to him ‘Protect me, protect me, somebody is trying to kill me!’ I was fraught with fear and emotion and I pulled the covers over my head. I could tell he was a sick man, but I kept thinking ‘I’m going to be protected here’. After I laid there for a while I felt safe, so I finally got out of the bed and I noticed some purple nail polish. I said to the man ‘So what is your name?’ and he answered in a very deep, masculine voice ‘Jacqueline’. I asked ‘Oh, so do people just call you Jack?’ I was challenging him as I could see he was a man. He said ‘No, it’s Jacqueline’. It was then I realized he was gay and wanted to be feminine, so I decided that rather than challenge him I would honor him. I said ‘Let’s paint our nails’. We started painting our nails and doing girly things. Then I felt safe and was able to leave the hospital.”

This dream starts with the dreamer being chased, which is one of the most common dream themes of all times. The perpetrator usually represents something or someone that feels like a threat to us. Whether or not they actually pose a threat, it is the feeling that matters. In this dreamer’s waking life, she did not feel physically threatened by her partner’s ‘soon to be ex-wife’, but the fact that they were not yet fully divorced felt like an emotional threat to the dreamer’s own relationship with this man. Stress triggers the fight or flight response, which then gets spun into a dream story. In this case rather than fight, the dreamer took flight by running in a zig zag pattern and dodging bullets. Dreams also love puns and plays on words, and every time the topic of the divorce came up, this dreamer felt like she was ‘dodging bullets’ as it was a sensitive topic with her partner.

In the dream, she took shelter in a hospital and climbed into bed with a patient. This turned out to be symbolic of her ability to find sanctuary from the perceived threat by retreating into a healing place within herself. This is a very good sign of self-care. The sick man represented an aspect of herself that needed healing, but that also could facilitate healing by providing a safe space.

When she asked the man his name and he told her it was Jacqueline, she wanted to challenge him by drawing attention to the fact that he was really a man, not a woman as the name implied. This is reflected in her response of “Oh, so do people just call you Jack?” When he asserted that his name was, in fact, Jaqueline instead of Jack, she realized he was gay and had a change of heart. Instead of fighting him regarding his orientation she decided to not only embrace it, but support it, by painting their nails together and ‘doing girly things’.

The dreamer shared that she had been doing personal growth work around becoming less masculine in her primary relationship with a man, and allowing herself to be more feminine. She had traditionally asserted a lot of masculine energy in a way that had created imbalance in relationships for her. She wanted to try a new way of being by embracing more of her feminine energy. The dream so poignantly put this into visual and verbal representation in the character of Jacqueline, the feminine man! Just like in the dream, at first the dreamer had a hard time accepting that her familiar masculine characteristics could become more feminine. However, she eventually not only connected with, but embraced, her own feminine energy in a loving and supportive way, just like in the dream.

The dreamer had some waking life ‘aha’ moments after we worked with the dream. She said that shortly after the dream she went to a store to browse around and came across some nail polish. She found a bottle she liked in a purple color. Only after she picked it out and decided to purchase it did she remember the purple nail polish from the dream! Though she did not consciously pick out the polish based on the dream, it was at this point that she realized the connection. That afternoon she was meeting with a friend for his birthday, and this friend happened to be a gay man. She had learned a new technique for applying nail polish that she wanted to share with him, so she decided to give him the polish as a present and show him the new technique. When they got together she gave him the polish and painted his nails for him.

The dreamer was not consciously paying tribute to the dream by doing this, in fact she said that at the time she wasn’t really thinking about it at all. Only later when we worked with the dream did it click as she put all the pieces together. She said she felt very comforted by the fact that her waking life was mirroring her dream life (or vice versa). She described the feeling it created as giving her a sense of connection to another world.

Was the dream a premonition, or did the dreamer subconsciously re-enact some of the dream? That is subject to speculation, but either way this connection between worlds provided the dreamer with a great sense of comfort, both by bridging her waking and dreaming life and by the meaning the dream provided her with. Now purple nail polish has become a symbol and reminder for her to embrace her feminine energy, and allow Jacqueline to be her true self.

‘Ask The Dream Detective’ – from Mimi’s Dream Column for the New Spirit Journal

A 39 year old woman had the following dream:

“My friend Sam took up painting and was showing me his work. He held up a painting and I was struck by its beauty. I felt so proud of him, and had not known he had this talent. However, rather than bask in the glow of his accomplishments, or accept my many compliments, all he could do was point out what he perceived as one tiny little flaw in the painting. He kept focusing on it, and talking about it in a way that left no room for anything else. He wouldn’t even look up at me, it’s like he had tunnel vision for this perceived flaw in the art work. The funny thing was that this was an abstract painting, making any perception of a flaw 100% subjective! It’s not like he painted a picture of his dog and didn’t get the ears to scale. Nobody could ever look at a painting like that and call something a flaw when it’s very nature was abstract. It made me sad to see how self-critical he was and I wished that he could be proud of himself, his work, and his talent.”

Our conscious mind tends to perceive things as literal, which is why dreams don’t make sense to the waking mind. A dreamer will typically say things like “that’s weird, why did I dream of my friend Sam, and why was he painting?” and then shrug it off. One major key in working with dreams is to get out of the logical mind and into the creative mind to look at the metaphors and symbolism.

This dreamer described her friend Sam as very creative, though not a professional artist as he held a day job that was very ‘left brain’. She had never known him to take up painting, but she had observed his perfectionistic tendencies; both of these qualities resonated as descriptions of her own personality as well.

At the time of this dream, the dreamer was in charge of a work project that was her brainchild. Part of the campaign involved hiring a graphic designer to implement the concept visually. While excited about the project, she was having a hard time as the graphic designer was not abiding by all instructions for changes to the image. It was incredibly frustrating for the dreamer to go through multiple rounds of revisions and still not have a final image that met her standards.

While the graphic designer was not necessarily living up to their end of the agreement, this dream revealed to the dreamer that she, too, played a role in this dance via her own perfectionism. Seeing this from an objective viewpoint where she could witness someone else’s struggle with perfectionism – her friend Sam – and seeing how much it hurt him in the dream was a big eye opener as to how she could hurt herself by taking this trait too far.

We discussed the significance of discernment between having high standards and not taking perfectionism to the extreme where she could get ‘tunnel vision for (a) perceived flaw’ like in the dream. Also in the dream, she praised her friend for his beautiful work and it pained her to see him so focused on a flaw that he could not take in any praise or compliment. This turned out to be a reflection of how she treated herself and served as an excellent reminder to give herself some acknowledgement and credit for all the good things she had created. Shifting her focus from what was not ‘perfect’ in her perception, to what is good, turned out to be a life-changing lesson.

A few months after this dream, the dreamer saw her friend Sam at a social event. She did not tell him about the dream, but as they engaged in conversation and catching up when he started telling her about his latest hobby…can you guess what it was? Of course. He took up painting.

This is an excellent example of how we can have both intrapsychic and psychic layers to a single dream. The dreamer’s mind picked up on her friend’s new hobby, and weaved it into story that actually pertained to herself. It may have pertained to him as well since they both struggled with a similar issue. Ultimately this dream gave the dreamer a glimpse into the effect perfectionism had on her life. By learning to decipher when exceptionally high standards were merited and could serve her well, versus when perfectionism could become an obstacle, she was able to improve not only her work but the quality of her relationships as well.

‘Ask The Dream Detective’ – from Mimi’s Dream Column for the New Spirit Journal

A 49 year old woman had the following dream:

“I dreamed I was at a gathering at a friend’s house. They were serving a shrimp plate, but somehow I knew the shrimp was toxic. The man I am interested in was eating the shrimp, and seemed to have no clue they were toxic. He would toss them into the air, one at a time, and catch them in his mouth to eat them. One, after the other, after the other. I couldn’t help but think how unhealthy this was, to eat the shrimp that was toxic, let alone to eat so many of them. I wondered how it could be that no one else besides me was aware of the fact that these things were toxic?”

This dream baffled the dreamer…why did she dream about shrimp? She hadn’t eaten any, nor did she like them, nor had she been anywhere they had been served recently. The man in the dream was someone she was actually getting to know in waking life but she had never seen him eat shrimp, either. So what gives?

This is typical to how we think about dreams. We get so caught up in the literal, which in this case was shrimp. But this is not how dreams work, so we did some detective work to see what might lie beneath the surface. When she described how the man was throwing the shrimp into the air, she said he was “tossing them back”. When I asked her what kind of shrimp they were, she replied “You know, they were those cocktail shrimp, the kind you use for shrimp cocktail”. This answer proved revealing and suddenly it dawned on her that the word ‘cocktail’ was very relevant. The man in her dream was someone she really did hold a romantic interest in, just like in the dream. Yet when she put together the phrase ‘tossing them back’ with the word ‘cocktail’ it hit her like a lightning bolt that this man had a drinking problem.

While many people drink in social situations, it is not always to the point of excess. Couple that with the fact that when we are attracted to someone we don’t want to see the things that might be a hindrance to a potential relationship. These are the kind of things that make it easy for the conscious mind to sweep observations such as ‘he drinks too much’ under the rug.

However, the dreaming mind is our greater consciousness and is connected to our soul. It wants us to experience love and connection, and holds these as the greatest of priorities. While the dreamer consciously had not been keeping track of how many drinks this man had at any given social event, her subconscious mind was fully aware. “One, after the other, after the other” was a big clue to the fact that not only was he consuming something she considered to be toxic, but he was consuming it in excess.

Our dreaming mind will show us obstacles that are in the way to love and happiness, including our own actions as well as those of others. This dreamer’s consciousness knew that being in a relationship with someone who practices excessive drinking would be very ‘toxic’ to her emotional health. The dreamer had a family history involving alcoholism and had done a lot of personal work to recover from the fallout. To her, alcohol was toxic both physically and emotionally. She acknowledged that this was not the case for everyone, which explained why in the dream other people seemed not to be bothered by, let alone aware of, the shrimp being toxic. Rather than sweep this information under the rug, the dreaming mind decided to bring this information to the forefront of her attention in the form of a story, aka this dream. It got her attention and helped her make a decision on whether to move forward with the man.

Once the dreamer came to the awareness that this man’s drinking pattern was not a good match for her, she chose not get involved with him. She realized that a relationship with him would end up in heartbreak for her, one that was all too familiar. With her new awareness, she could appreciate his friendship but any time she considered crossing over into the romantic realm (as there was mutual interest), all she had to do was remember this dream. From that point forward the dream proved to be a connection and anchor to her own inner strength, conviction and commitment to living in alignment with her soul and her highest good. The dream became a guide to a healthy life for herself which included the kind of romantic relationship that would enhance, not detract from, her emotional well-being.

Much as it pained her, she had to throw this fish back in the water. However, it was a short-term price that she was willing to pay for a long-term prize.

‘Ask The Dream Detective’ – from Mimi’s Dream Column for the New Spirit Journal

A 35 year old woman had the following dream

 “I dreamed that I was in my house when I realized there was an extra room that I never noticed before. It was easy to miss because there wasn’t a regular door, but the whole wall was able to lift up, more like a garage door. I went in the room and it was full of things that whomever lived there before must have left. I was thrilled at the idea of going through everything, assuming it belonged to me now, to see what I might find. I thought I might be able to sell some of the things and make some money, or even rent out the room for additional income. The idea of this was very exciting to me and gave me some hope and relief from the financial pressures I have been feeling lately.”

The discovery of new rooms is a common theme in dreams, and is usually symbolic of discovering new aspects of our self. There will always be some variation from dreamer to dreamer, so we look at the unique traits of the dream to uncover more of what it represents to that person specifically.

What stood out in this dream was that the room did not have a regular interior door, but the whole wall lifted up and opened up into the room. Dreams love puns and plays on words, as well as depicting visual representations of words. In this case the dreamer was between jobs, and experiencing a lot of stress about how she was going to produce enough income to get by. The night of this dream she did some meditation in an attempt to relieve stress and visualize her ideal career in the form of her own business. She had always wanted to have her own business, but felt like there was some kind of ‘wall’ between herself and her dream career. Thus, the symbolism of a wall rather than a regular door. The meditation and visualization may have helped to lift the ‘wall’ between the dreamer and her ideal career, as depicted visually by the wall lifting up in the dream. She was then able to access what was on the other side of the wall, which held many objects of interest to her, as well as potential income.

The things in the room were left by those who had been there before her. She made the connection to the fact that she had been a long-time student with many teachers, and now some of them were role models who provided a template for how she wanted to structure her own business. The symbolism translated: those who were ‘there’ before her in her ideal career had ‘left’ many things for her in the form of knowledge they passed down that now belonged to her. Now it was time for her to ‘move in’ to her own power and ‘own’ what she had acquired. The idea that the material things in the bonus room were now her own was symbolic of the fact that she now owned these resources within herself.

In the dream story, she contemplated how she might be able to use the new room and the things within it to bring in some income. This represented her realization that not only did she have these talents and resources within her, but that they could actually be a source of income if she chose to use them!

In waking life the idea that she had the ability to make this work – and that her subconscious mind verified this ability via the dream – provided a huge sense of relief to the dreamer. Sometimes we just need to be given permission or acknowledgement that we can do something. The fact that this came from deep within her own psyche was very reassuring to the dreamer, and gave her the confidence to take her first action steps towards her goal.

‘Ask The Dream Detective’ – from Mimi’s Dream Column for the New Spirit Journal

A 37 year old woman had the following dream:

“I love the TV show ‘Property Brothers’, and have a huge crush on Jonathan Scott. In my dream his younger brother took me over next to a car, and then he leaned over and just started kissing me. I resisted at first because I really like Jonathan, not this guy. But his brother wanted me to give it a chance, so I kissed him back. He didn’t know I liked Jonathan better. I woke up feeling bad because I didn’t really want to kiss him! I want Jonathan.”

The dreamer clarified that brother in the dream was not Jonathan’s twin, Drew, who co-stars with him on her favorite TV show ‘Property Brothers’, but that this was their ‘other brother’. She described the third brother as someone she was not as familiar with since she had seen him on an episode or two of ‘Property Brothers’ but he was not a regular part of the show.

It was interesting that the brother pulled the dreamer over to a car to kiss her. Why did he bring her next to a car, rather than by a tree, or find a little cozy spot somewhere? Cars in dreams are often a symbol of how we get from point A to point B in life. They can represent how we go about reaching our goals, and are often symbolic of careers. The word ‘car’ is even contained in ‘career’, and dreams love word play. While there is no single cut and dry meaning for any given symbol, it can be an interesting exploration to see if a universal meaning fits. In this case it did, as we shall see.

The dreamer described Jonathan as creative, artistic, original, and stylish. I asked her if that description fit any part of herself and she said ‘Yes!’. This dreamer was a clothing designer who longed to create her own clothing line. She had the skills and she had worked in the industry for many years as a technical designer for large companies that paid well, but this type of work did not fulfill her creativity and originality. Now she was between jobs and was getting asked by people she knew to do their mending and alteration projects. Though the projects were not up to her level of skill and talent, people loved her work and pursued her with a lot of ‘interest’, just like the man in her dream pursued her. And just like in the dream, she did not reciprocate the interest, though she conceded and ‘connected’ with them because they wanted her. Kissing can be a metaphor for connection.

The dreamer described this brother as ‘younger and shorter than Jonathan’. Later she did a little internet search to learn more about him and found out he is actually older than the twins Jonathan and Drew! But the dreamer didn’t know that, so her unconscious mind cast him in the role of younger for a reason. In dreams when someone is young it can be an indication of something new that we are starting, or that is newer in our life. Working with private clients was a newer endeavor for her.  When we explored her description of the brother as ‘shorter’ than Jonathan, she said that what she was currently doing for work didn’t ‘measure up’ to what she would love to be doing. The pun fit, and pointed out to her that even though she was being acknowledged and pursued for her talents, what was pursuing her at the time was not what she really wanted. This dream showed the dreamer how she was falling into a role of passivity by of going along with what other people want, rather than exploring what she really wanted.

So why did the dream cast Jonathan’s brother in the role he played in her dream, rather than someone else? She said that the projects she was taking on were ‘related’ to her desired line of work, just not in the form she was really passionate about.

At the end of the dream she said “He doesn’t know I like Jonathan better”. This is symbolic of a lack of communication on her part, and she saw the correlation to the fact that her clients didn’t know that she liked designing better than what she was currently offering them. Through the dream work she came up with the idea that she could let her existing clients know about her designing talents, and possibly have a built in clientele for what she really wanted to do! She could now use the imagery from the dream as a symbol for connecting with what she really wants in life.

Dreams are amazing teachers. They want us to live true to our life purpose. A dream like this is a compass, showing a way to the path of right livelihood, and how to live with authenticity and meaning.

Episode 30 – Attachment Theory in Relationships with Dr. Diane Poole Heller (part 2 of 2)

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In part 2 of my interview with author, therapist, and adult attachment expert Dr. Diane Poole Heller we talk about how the different attachment styles can affect our dreams, as well as some tips for working with dreams and waking life situations to heal our attachment wounds. We also visit the topic of ghosting, and Diane provides some very valuable insights about why people do this. We look at healing metaphors, and Diane shares some of her own dreams and how they have helped her in her healing journey. For more information on Diane, her books and trainings, and The 2020 Trauma & Attachment Summit (Sept. 30 – Oct. 7, 2020) visit www.dianepooleheller.com

Here is a recap of some of the attachment styles, from episode 29:

AVOIDANT
Adult term is ‘Dismissive’
Left-brain oriented
Likes alone time
Future oriented
Uses few words to describe things or answer questions

AMBIVALENT
Adult term is ‘Preoccupied’
Right-brain oriented
Likes connection and reassurance
Past oriented (may have a hard time letting go of painful history; may also be sentimental)
Uses many words and details to describe things and answer questions

DISORGANIZED:
Adult term is ‘Unresolved Trauma’
Can be Disorganized Avoidant or Disorganized Ambivalent (right or left brain, past or future oriented accordingly)
Language pattern is hard to follow, may stop abruptly, lack of clarity regarding who or what they are referring to

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Dr. Diane Poole Heller is one of the leading experts in the field of adult attachment theory, which looks at how we connect with others in our relationships. In this episode, she identifies the four main attachment styles and how they originally develop as adaptations to our relationships with primary care givers, and offers suggestions for how we can heal attachment wounds as adults. We also look at how each attachment style is affected by the pandemic. This episode is part one of two. For more information on Diane, her books and trainings, and The 2020 Trauma & Attachment Summit (Sept. 30 – Oct. 7, 2020) visit dianepooleheller.com/

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Dr. Bernie Siegel, well known for his groundbreaking book: Love, Medicine & Miracles, joins Mimi to discuss his new book Three Men Six Lives, an entertaining fiction novel born of Bernie’s experience of his current and past lives. Dr. Siegel is the NY Times bestselling author of almost 20 books, and a leading teacher of the Mind-Body Connection. He is a retired pediatric/general surgeon, and the founder of ECaP (Exceptional Cancer Patients) a specific form of individual and group therapy utilizing patients’ drawings, dreams, images and feelings. In this episode, Bernie and Mimi discuss past lives, dreams, art therapy, miracles, healing, and more.

www.berniesiegelmd.com

Episode 27 – Update and Dreams

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In this episode Mimi shares some of her own recent dreams, along with how she decodes them and uses their messages to help guide her in her life. Featured dreams include: ‘Forgot to Feed the Puppy’, ‘Marianne Williamson and Maria Schriver House Party’, ‘Fighting Demons’, ‘3 Best Friends’, and ‘Baby Polar Bear and Skunk’.